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Lindsey Ann.
01 July 2008 @ 11:21 pm
huh.  
edited:

if i only know you through the internet, and you were cut from my friends list and you still want to read my journal, let me know. i will probably re-add you.

if i know you in real life, and you were cut from my friends list, it doesn't mean i hate you. or loathe you. or not care about you. i just don't feel comfortable with you reading my entries anymore. it doesn't mean i don't want us to be friends. to be fair, i could create a filter that filters all of you out, but i don't like being that un-honest. i'm sure if you have internet connections, you'll use those people to read my entries, anyways. i've probably pissed you off, so i guess i would deserve that. i just feel like with some of you, you never want to have a serious conversation with me, and let's be frank, i'm 19 - at one point i was a very depressed kid and i'm growing up. i need to have serious conversations. and if i feel like i need to have serious entries that you can't see, either suck it up or sleuth behind my back. and with the others, i feel like you use my entries against me. you're welcome to talk to me about it, maybe we can work it through. maybe i'm just stressed and being ridiculous at the moment. i don't know.

please respect my wishes. or at least, keep your shit-talking properly behind my back.
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
21 February 2008 @ 02:40 am
originally i was going to spend some time away from the internet, but i gotta get out somethings. it's just easier for me to type and type and type. sometimes i lose my voice. sometimes i don't know what i'm going to say, and i like that this page can be empty and be my canvas. my sister wrote a blog about all of this on myspace, and it made me cry. i have never cried so much in my life - not even when i attempted to take my own life. i keep breaking down.

this all feels like an episode of gray's anatomy - and i'm the poor victim here. i'm the one the doctors have to console. and not only do they have to console me - but they have to console my mother, my brother, my sister, and any life my father has touched. he was only supposed to be in for the flu; he wasn't supposed to die. it wasn't supposed to be a big deal - i've been desensitized to hospitals. i spent most of my six year old life in one hearing that my dad was going to make it through the night and spent some time there last year for seventy-two hours. i repressed a lot of it, but i knew hospitals were a good thing. you get better there. you don't die. and you don't die with me clutching your hand and watching every member of the family being squished into the room and crying.

i haven't ever dealt with a death close to me. i've never attended a funeral. i've never had to go through this. when my grandfather died when i was nine, my dad took me and my sister out to dinner while my mom went to the funeral. he thought we were too young, and later, he brought us to the cemetery to say our goodbyes. it made the funeral less painful. and now my dad - who is half of my flesh and blood, well, he's dead. he's gone. no one is going to call me "pumpkin" or ring me up in the cities and remind me that my cat misses me. or that some stupid judge show was driving him crazy. or that he missed me and he wished we lived somewhere i liked. and that he knew exactly what it was like to find one city and go "that's it. this is where i am spending the rest of my life."

before my dad got sick, before he left for the hospital, before any of this happened, he sat me down on his bed, and gave me a speech. "if your heart feels like Chicago is the answer, then you have to go. you have to do what you need to do - and don't worry about anyone else. just get out there, get an education, a career, and make the best of it." i nodded and told him "thanks" for understanding how important the Windy City is to me and that I loved him. that was the last conversation we had - unless you count him asking for a few M&Ms and not telling my mother about it. i told my mom about this, and she cried. she think he knew this was going to happen.

i spent the last few days with my family. i've never seen my brother cry; i've never seen my sister cry so much. i had never hugged my brother before today; i had never hugged my grandfather either. my dad's side of the family wasn't too touchy-feely, and all of us kids inherited it in different ways. i've never broken down so much. i keep making calls in the bathroom; i sit in the bathtub fully clothed and ring up who needs to be informed of something. it's a habit i got from dad; he loved hanging out in his bathroom. it was warm and quiet - a good place to think. my Aunt Janelle remarked about how you could tell who was from my mom's side and who was on my dad's side of the family. dad's side (and myself) stood rigid by the bed before collapsing into tears and hugging like we meant it. mom's side hadn't stopped hugging since 10pm on Monday (when he went in).

i can't even walk into my parent's room without forming any tears. or think about walking into it. or think about crying in front of someone. i want to play the "strength" card because everyone needs it more than me. my dad always said i was the strongest person he knew - he knew i was a fighter, and even if we had our fights, and even if he kicked me out a few times--only to welcome me back after a few cooling down hours, he was still my father. and i'm glad i was home for all of this and my last week with him.

i don't want this blog to be too depressing, because in all honesty, my dad's better off now. he's not going to be cold. he's not going to hurt. there's probably some form of heaven (even though he was an atheist) filled with him and some cats. and probably lame saturday night tv shows like cheaters and cops. and of course, every sunday, there will be a good game of football. i bet all of us kids and my mom are up there too in some way, and he's looking out for us.

i want to end this on a happy note, so here's a hilarious memory of my dad. it was late summer, about three years ago. my sister and her two friends were outside from 9pm til 3am, and causing a ruckus. my dad walked outside and proclaimed to them (with me as a witness) that "THIS ISN'T A CRACK HOUSE." maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
10 February 2008 @ 07:30 pm
c'mon, kids, be my freaking valentine.

My Valentinr - mereaccessories
Get your own valentinr.

because everyone deserves a little love.
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
I've been reading a lot lately, and I could probably actually do that fifty book challenge, so here's a list (both the legit and guilty pleasure reads) of what I've read in 2008. In this post, give me book suggestions!

  1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (I plan to re-read the entire series from start to finish by) by JK Rowling. *
  2. Gossip Girl - Because I'm Worth It by Cecily von Ziegesar *
  3. Gossip Girl - I Like It Like That by Cecily von Ziegesar *
  4. Every Visible Thing by Lisa Carey
  5. You Suck by Christopher Moore
  6. Too Much of Nothing by Michael Scott Moore
Six down, about 46 to go!
Asterisks mean that it was total guilty pleasure reading. Yes, I enjoy trashy young adult novels, and I am the biggest Harry Potter dork you will ever meet. Or at least one of the coolest. 
 
Those books were read all within the last week, by the way. I need to get a library account (maybe talk to someone at the library a little bit more about it... ) or pay off one of the kids fine's so I can use their account. I also need to start buying more books. I don't have much to do except read, so I might as well go all out.

I also need to convince someone with a check card to help me renew my LJ paid account. I have the cash for it, but do to being super irresponsible with check cards, I don't have one for the time being. It's been a few hours already, and I already miss my paid account status =/ P.S. I also joined socialvibe.com. Someone on my friends list joined this a week ago, and won a 20$ gift card to MAC. I'm jealous and want to win something, too.
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
22 January 2008 @ 02:29 pm
I've totally started to appreciate Minneapolis's scene, which is weird, because, if you know me, you'd know the first thing I'd say is "I was born in the wrong music scene." I usually hate Minneapolis's bands - they don't seem to offer much musically, and even then have trouble producing good stable songs that are able to keep my attention. Seriously, up until this year, I only really ever gave Small Towns credit for being good, appreciated Motion City (before Even if It Kills Me - that album was a disappointment), and only actively listened to Mainstay. In high school, I honestly wanted to be apart of the Seattle-area or Chicago-area scene, but now I have three bands I want to direct your attention to, all having roots in Minnesota.

Camera Can't Lie
Listen to: Losing You
- I actually saw these guys (having no clue who they were) when I saw June/the Graduate last August. I was impressed then. The vocals are smooth, the background music catchy and uplifting, and I totally find myself singing along.

Weaver at the Loom
Listen to: You Can't Evade Them
- Beautiful lyrics and very powerful vocals. I totally started to cry when I started listening. Their EP "I Was Searching and I Found" is amazing, and the vocals remind me of Mainstay's. Few bands can pull off deep lyrics, in my opinion, and these dudes are one of them who can. It's a nice EP to just mellow out to, if that means anything to anyone but me.

Sing It Loud
Listen to: Come Around
- Good, fun pop punk/powerpop that reminds me of Valencia and All Time Low. These boys out of the three I suggested will probably go the furthest, especially considering they already have buzz on absolutepunk and have enlisted Joshua Cain as their prouducer.

Also, if I were you, I would definitely check out theAudition's new disc, Champion, which came out today. And on February 5th, I would check out Ivoryline's debut with Tooth and Nail.

-cross posted to my absolutepunk blog.
 
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
10 January 2008 @ 11:09 pm
1) Ask me for "top five" lists of pretty much anything, and I will list you my top five of that thing or things.

2)) Take a look at your Friends List, and list up to 10 things you want to say to 10 different LJ friends. Do not state who these people are. Have your friends speculate which # they could be and if they know others. If you want, I'll confirm or deny.

1. I want to borrow your books. Please and ty.
2. Girl, you have the cutest hat! I'm so jealous. I look hideous in hats.
3. I wish I saw you more; you're so funny.
4. So, I'm pretty much grateful for your basement enough that I don't ever want to leave. Let me stay?
5. I'm so severing the ties with you.
6. So, are you like, ignoring me or something?
7. Why don't we talk anymore?
8. I think it's weird I'm in Minneapolis, while you're in the OC - its usually the other way. When is the last time I saw you, anyway? This summer?
9. You're in my faves! You're the only internet friend who is.
10. I hope you never delete; you write the most interesting entries.
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
after we got home from chicago, i found myself at janna's house (the best friend since march with a heart of gold) with intentions to go home sometime soon, but i'm not feeling going home (which is an hour and a half away for those who didn't know). this is how i deal, i walk away from everything when it's just too chaotic or too hard. and you can sit there and judge as you wish, but my life is actually hard, believe it or not. i'm still struggling with depression (something that is going to haunt me until day neverever), i'm told by my father i'm 'not welcome home' and then told by my mother that 'home is where i should be', i'm afraid of getting attached to anyone (though it would feel nice to fit in the crook of someone's shoulder), i just don't want to face it. so instead of facing it, i'm here, in Minneapolis, with my surrogate family, bumming off their couch, receiving money from their father as an allowance, and helping the kids with math homework. it helps the stress of my life in wisconsin disappear, or at least venture to a part of my head that i can't show. i won't show. i pass by places offering employment, and i really want to do it: i want to take advantage of what janna offered--her basement. i could start again. rise from the phoenix ashes--the world that is not sierra drive could by my new playground.

i don't mean to be so down, but this is the first time in a few days i've found myself alone to my thoughts. i'm always drowning in my thoughts, or so it feels. but with company, i can usually drown those thoughts out. note to self: never become a hermit.

and also, here are my obligatory (and late) top ten lists of 2007. 


ps - how is everyone doing?


 
 
Lindsey Ann.
28 December 2007 @ 02:52 am
My name is lindsey and I'm a slut. :D
 
 
Lindsey Ann.
04 December 2007 @ 06:33 am
this journal is totally one hundred percent friends only. comment here if you would like to be added.

if you're just stumbling upon this, this is also an anonymous post. post about anything you'd like.