after we got home from chicago, i found myself at janna's house (the best friend since march with a heart of gold) with intentions to go home sometime soon, but i'm not feeling going home (which is an hour and a half away for those who didn't know). this is how i deal, i walk away from everything when it's just too chaotic or too hard. and you can sit there and judge as you wish, but my life is actually hard, believe it or not. i'm still struggling with depression (something that is going to haunt me until day neverever), i'm told by my father i'm 'not welcome home' and then told by my mother that 'home is where i should be', i'm afraid of getting attached to anyone (though it would feel nice to fit in the crook of someone's shoulder), i just don't want to face it. so instead of facing it, i'm here, in Minneapolis, with my surrogate family, bumming off their couch, receiving money from their father as an allowance, and helping the kids with math homework. it helps the stress of my life in wisconsin disappear, or at least venture to a part of my head that i can't show. i won't show. i pass by places offering employment, and i really want to do it: i want to take advantage of what janna offered--her basement. i could start again. rise from the phoenix ashes--the world that is not sierra drive could by my new playground.

i don't mean to be so down, but this is the first time in a few days i've found myself alone to my thoughts. i'm always drowning in my thoughts, or so it feels. but with company, i can usually drown those thoughts out. note to self: never become a hermit.

and also, here are my obligatory (and late) top ten lists of 2007. 


ps - how is everyone doing?